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Is it this or is it that?

for almost 8 weeks, I have had the what is wrong with me moment at least 3,456 times.  Why am I unable to get up and do what I need, why am I unable to get things done, why am I unable to feel happy, why am I unable to feel relief!?! I keep asking myself these questions daily?! What is wrong?  Am I depressed, I am tired, what in the hell is it!? I feel like I am making excuses for myself more then I should be. I feel like life is going forward and ours is at a stand still?! It’s those kind of days that I just can’t wrap my brain around things, around life?  I have to tell you its the worst feeling In the world, the unknown  the what if’s,the maybe this will work, the things will be better tomorrow. Will they? The past 8 weeks I have started to realize so much about people and life.   I have lived the hospital life for 5 years!! 5, every single time Bo is there I am there. Please don’t tell me how amazing I am, it is my job, I chose to have children. I wanted children so it’s my job as a mom to stand by my son! I hope most everyone would do the same?!? Your wrong, some people don’t! Some people wish they had “sick” kids some people want everyone to think there child is really sick, I promise you I have seen it, I have lived it. Why the hell would any parent want to have to do what john and I do, day in and day out, why?! I have to believe that the fight we are fighting is such an amazing one, we will never give up we will not stop, I don’t care if we have to travel to the ends of the earth. No please don’t say good job, say that’s  right, that’s what I should be doing as Bo’s mommy! That’s what I would hope most every parent would do!?! Again the past few months I have had to remind myself, I can only control myself, my family. I have to remember if tomorrow when I get up if what I was supposed to do like go workout or go to the store, if doesn’t work because my son only slept 2 hours, and his blood sugar was 567 then Dropped too 67 and I had to watch him breath all night, well that’s ok I can workout the next day! I have to remember its ok, stop being so hard on myself and I can’t let the stupidity of others get me down! I know what goes around comes around and shame on those who aren’t doing what they are supposed to  be doing! As long as I know I am doing what I am supposed to be! I have to believe that I am doing the best I can, for all of my kids and my Husband! I refuse to let the ignorance of others ruin my day. I can’t control it, I can’t let it control me, I have to believe what goes around  comes around! I have too!!

















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